Hello Baby Elsie,
I've just put you down for a nap and instead of doing the dishes or folding the laundry, like I try to do every time you sleep, I have decided to write a story for you.
You are now just over 3 weeks old. Your father reminded me yesterday that soon your 1 month birthday would be upon us and I must say that I both loathe and love the thought of you moving past this stage of your life. In spite of the fact that you've been a model newborn, I think your dad and I are both realizing that we really had no idea what life would be like once you were here. In your first 2 weeks at home you had a pretty good schedule; you slept a lot with only brief periods of alert wakefulness, we sat in the big red chair downstairs and you fed yourself back to sleep. You almost slept all the way through the night, with only a small waking here and there for some milk. We were and still are sleeping together. You enjoy life best when sleeping tummy to tummy with me and I love how you nuzzle the top of your head up under my chin. This may be changing soon though, as I'm longing to sleep on my side occasionally and your grampa Rick made a lovely baby bunk for you which is right beside my pillow.
All of this sounds really great, but things have changed slightly. Now, every evening, for about 4-6 (gasp!) hours you get Fussy (with a capital F). Your dad and I have a rotation of things to check during this time. If you've just come off the breast and are acting like you are mad at my nipple, we try a burp first. When burping doesn't work, we check your diaper even though sometimes it may have been just mere moments since the last time we checked. We are often surprised by what you've accomplished in that time! Then we start the cycle again. We are trying to cooperate and be sympathetic with each other during these times, but this seems to come harder for me than it does for your dad. I've been short with him a few times, but I always apologize afterward as we are trying to stay happy and healthy until you grow out of this.
Personally, my biggest struggle is not being able to go outside whenever I like. When you are awake and content, I will take you out to bring the clothes off the line or even just walk around the yard a couple of times. I planted so many flowers and vegetables and I want to enjoy watching them grow and change this season, just like you. Being outside often puts you to sleep, but you really don't like it when the bright sun shines in your face, so I try to keep you in the shade or under a blanket. We've been managing to go for short walks with Camber in the mornings when you are sleeping. I try to place you gently into the sling and cross my fingers that my clumsiness doesn't wake you. I know if you wake up, you'll want to eat again and that's often the last thing I want to do with you. Your grammie suggested that maybe a baby monitor would let me go outside to the garden when you are sleeping; I could still listen for a small cry and rush in to comfort you before you realize I wasn't there.
One of my biggest surprises was how difficult breastfeeding has been. I now have a lot better understanding of the incentives for women to use formula instead; in fact, had I not been *strongly* motivated to breastfeed exclusively, I might have "packed it in" a couple days ago and let your dad buy some formula as he offered to. If you have a brother or sister some day, I'm sure I will find the task much easier and more satisfying because I'll have a lot of experience behind me to draw from. I know that the most critical aspect of successful breastfeeding is that baby has a good latch. Well you started out with a perfect latch! I trusted you to know what you were doing and didn't worry too much about form and timing, etc. When we were in the hospital I know that you got a lot of colostrum because you were such an expert feeder (and we know how many wet diapers we went through in the first 24 hours). In fact, you are such an expert that at day 5 or 6, when my milk really came in - so much so that you were overcome by it and coughing a lot - you took matters into your own hands and clamped down on my nipples to slow the flow. Well, all of that clamping that I didn't realize was happening wreaked havoc on my nipples. If you are 16 years old and wanting to party with friends I don't like, I will remind you of the damage to my nipples I sustained trying to nurture you and keep you as healthy as possible. I may even show you the pictures to prove it. Hopefully, the one that is missing half of itself will heal in time. All of that damage caused feeding you to be excruciating enough to lift my feet off the floor each time you would latch on. Luckily, my midwife knew what the problem was and told us of some tricks to slow the flow. She also gave me a prescription for all purpose nipple ointment which is keeping any infections at bay while the cracks and wounds heal.
Now, when my oversupply problem causes my breasts to be engorged, hard, and sore, I am hand expressing the milk into the sink until you wake up to relieve me further. I *need* you to be hungry and feed in order for me to stay healthy and without pain. We are cooperating now, you and I.
All in all, we are still happy to have you and we think you are just the cutest baby in the world when you are happy and sleeping. Your body is so tiny and fragile, yet we can still see bits of ourselves in you. I'm positive that you have my fingers because they're sturdy and long. I know you have your dad's frame because your features are so petite and fine. When you are sitting up in our laps and looking at us, I think your eyes are exact copies of your dad's, which is what I was hoping for because I really love his eyes. Our neighbours are certain you'll turn out to be a fine young woman, because they think we'll do such a good job as parents. We really hope that you are a kind, honest, and happy girl. I know your dad will be cultivating an interest in computer games from an early age and I will attempt to teach you about gardening and fibre as I continue to learn. There are a lot of other things to learn about as you grow up, but those are the most important to us. We'll be happy to see what you think are the important things.
Next time, I'll tell you all about how you were born. When I was thinking about the labour that I had to go through to have you, I found that it was very helpful and encouraging to read about how other women gave birth. A certain SF shared her personal birth story with me and I often recalled details of it to your dad as an example of how labour might be. I think that your birth story is a generally positive one, and though it was not always comfortable, it certainly was nothing to fear. You have been sleeping for almost one hour which means I likely have two hours left to do my chores.
Keep sleeping little one. Please, keep sleeping.
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