An honest inquiry

Lest anybody be upset or offended by the following, please read to the end and I believe that you will understand and agree with my sentiment.

This is a question that I would like to put to parents and non- parents alike; is it time to stop judging other parents or do we need to come to a consensus, as a society, about right and wrong ways to parent?

Being the parent of a 6 month old, I'm sure my frustrations to this end have just begun; however, I have found there to be a very strong instinct against receiving unsolicited advice. It's biological in nature, in that I have to suppress a physical cringe. Given this, I have made a personal vow to never offer advice, cloaked or uncloaked, to a new parent unless it is requested. Even then, I will need to preface it with, "this is what worked for me and may not be right for you." However, I do often feel upset or even enraged by the parenting choices that I see others making, and feel free to complain to my husband about this. I then remind myself that if I won't give advice in public, then I probably shouldn't complain in private.

But is this the right way to think about this problem? I often excuse these parenting choices by saying something like, "every baby is different", or "there are so many ways to parent", or "it is probably what they need to do given their circumstances." However, as a civilized culture we have made judgment calls about the right and wrong ways to treat people. These judgments change over time as we learn more and hopefully grow up as a species. I could list examples, but won't insult your intelligence by doing so.

We can also say that babies are so resilient that they adapt to any style of parenting and don't seem to be damaged in the long run. However, we don't know whether this is true or untrue. How would a researcher know the potential adult that could have resulted had the environment been ideal? Perhaps we are living in a culture where "normal" adults are actually damaged adults. One could look at addiction, depression, divorce, obesity, and see the increases as being attributed to a shocking change in parenting that happened approximately 50 to 60 years ago. I'm not saying this is the case. I'm saying that we don't know that it's not.

I obviously have ideas about the right way to do things. Before I knew it was called Attachment Parenting, I was doing it. I just did what felt right and what I felt was supported by strong scientific evidence. I assume that it's the right way because it feels right, but I'm also sure that other parents feel exactly the same way about parenting in the style of my grandmother's generation, or whatever they've chosen to do.

I can admit my mistakes so far and would tell you what they are, if you ask me. I say that so you don't feel these ideas come from a holier than thou place. We all do our best at any given time, but does our best change with better information to guide us?

With all this in mind, what do you think? Should we agree to disagree and continue with status quo or should we increase our efforts to perfect the baby's/child's environment? To use the old cliché, if we can put a man on the moon, then surely we can determine the best way to rear a child! I, for one, would be happy to learn of a research institute which is focused solely on the baby and it's needs in order to achieve the best possible result.

Edit: I recently came across this post which is a much more efficient way of saying what I was trying to say.

Comments

[Shaunafuller]

It's totally understandable how you're feeling; I think the advice-givers are more likely to target moms of little babes. My experience is that unsolicited advice seems to be slowing down. In terms of AP, I was super into it initially, but am backing off on any style or philosophy of parenting, because after reading every bloody sleep book, website and guru known to man, I feel like no book or forum or method was designed with Anna in mind; Ryan and I know her better than anyone, and we choose our parenting approach tailored to what we think (/hope) will work best for her. .
I guess that means that I come down on the side of remaining with the status quo, but coming to more agreement that we not give unsolicited advice. It's so hard though; being on mat leave was like getting a masters degree in parenting ideas and techniques; you want to share what you've learned, understandably.
In terms of research and evidence for parenting, the one thing I know of that you might find interesting is Triple P Parenting. It's research-based and clinically proven, but flexible enough to adapt to different family values and parenting styles. And they do it in Ontario! http://www.triplepontario.ca/en/home.aspx But you know, it's pretty basic compared to the level of analysis you put into things. You might also like the HighScope stuff in regards to early childhood education, because it has super impressive RCT evidence over a 40 year period. Less crime, more educational attainment, huge return on investment. Good stuff.